countessofsnark

Hello there.

I haven't written a proper online journal entry in ages. The age of Twitter was enough for me these past year - and my handwritten journal, although even that one got ignored a lot. The reason for it is life, hobbies, work... a day has 24 hours and you can't use them all the way you like. Sleep is also an important part of it, of course.

So why am I writing this here entry? Well. There's only so much you can say on Twitter, without having a never ending tweets thread that no one in their right mind will scroll through. But even though the content of this entry is deeply personal, I feel it is ok to keep it public - I mean, I trust that the entire internet and their cats and grandmothers aren't gonna find out about this and it's not like I'm about to reveal something horrific. No, none of that.

Are you ready for a long ride? Buckle up, buckaroo. Because this is, in many ways, a life changing story.

Back in December 2016, just before Christmas, I bought a PS4 Slim. Ironically, I'm using the same model now, having kept it for two years inactive when I bought a PS4 Pro in April of 2019. Full circle again as of March this year. But I digress, forgive me - that's one of my habits, I'm afraid. So, I bought the PS4, another upgrade from the PS3. I had a PS One, it bricked itself, bought a PS2, replaced that one with a PS3 (which really opened up my gaming experience with games like the BioShock trilogy, and Borderlands 2). I got Overwatch (amongst a few others) as my starter games because I was curious, having seen footage from the game and praise from Twitter friends. And so, one day in February I met a helpful British teenager named Zay. He introduced to me to an interesting aspect of the PS4 - parties. A place where you can talk to people outside of the weird, public, in game chat. He introduced me to his closest friend(s), and we met others through Overwatch. A cascade of friends... that led to Jamie, and his friends. Some of them have left our group. Some of them have stayed, or come back.

There are people who have gone through a hell of a lot and they're only 21. Such as Reece, from the Fife region of Scotland. Aye, a true Scotsman he is. A friend for life, too. He called me yesterday and we had a two hour long phone call on Discord. He has had 12 relationships, all of which went bust because the other party either cheated or had no clue how to be in a relationship. We did have a few moments of falling out but those were related to the also long distance girlfriend he got around the time me and Jamie got together - an American girl who turned out to be absolutely not right for him, and with whom we all broke up, suddenly and without regret. He and Jamie helped me out on many games, and the sheer devotion to being there is why I value him so much. Trust. Giving him access to my account (like I did with Jamie) and knowing it would be safe. And he hasn't had an easy family life, either. So I do wish him all the best - his dreams of joining the Royal Navy, he must not give up on that. Even if it's a hard time now, still trying to get a job in a part of the country that is anything but easy to live in, I want to see him happy, too. He means too much to me. Like a brother, almost. A Twin. There a few people like that out there but they do exist.

And then there's the inner gamer circle friends I've had the fortune of meeting in real life: Chris, who earlier this year revealed to us that he is not feeling 100% male, and that he wants to transition, but slowly, trying to get to grips with the gender fluidity he feels. She feels, as from now on, I must stress the importance of accepting and embracing and celebrating that change. It is so important to let people be themselves. Especially these days, when the world is recovering from a pandemic... Chris, whose philosophical nature adds something spiritual and wise to our group dynamic. Who is the only one out of all of us who enjoys beat-em-ups (I used to play Tekken way back but I gave up and lost my 'mojo')

Jordan, with whom I have formed a long lasting friendship that unfortunately petered out a bit, but I hope we may still stay in touch - as we did with Lloyd, his now former flatmate, whom I met through Jamie, or Jamie through Lloyd, it's a bit hard to tell as I met these Lloyd, Jordan, and Jamie in 2017 as well, and Chris in late 2018. Lloyd, who came back to Fallout 76, maybe Red Dead and GTA as well, who is a bit loud, a bit weird, but not entirely a bad person. Also, he loves cowboys. A lot. So those of you who know Overwatch: yes he did play as McCree almost religiously. And he tries to cosplay Clint Eastwood in Red Dead Online.

And Jamie. A name that now still sends shivers of joy and pain down my spine because how much it means to me. I met him three times in real life and each time was so special I'll never forget it. Jamie, whose voice and personality, his humour and innuendo proneness, his helpfulness, yes everything... made me fall in love with him before I even knew what he looked like. Yes. And as soon as I found out everything about him - as you can imagine down to the most intimate details and beyond - I knew I was well in love. But then I also did find out his age, not too long after we met online. I was born in 1985. He was born in 1997. Do the maths... that's one hell of a gap but not too unusual in some ways as love is love. But still... one of the things that makes it hard for us to really visualize life together is my age, kids not being easy, and his desire to have them after all (caused by both of his brothers being married and having a family now). Brexit, which he did not vote for but most of his family did. That distance between us, the pandemic then making it even harder, the fact that he was petrified of travelling and not knowing exactly what he wants to do with this life he's trying to shape - we were both lonely and found each other, after having been close friends and realizing we were having a crush on each other, so I reached out and got the reply I never expected. That was 2019. We hung on. But it was not meant to be... it would be sooner or later - and indeed, Jamie is right: the longer this limbo of distance and not knowing how to make it work properly continues, the more it'll hurt when it comes crashing apart. So it did. Now. He never made it to my place. And he likely never will. But instead we must remain friends for as long as possible. If not my partner in life, then my partner in games, a Twin as well. Someone I am still in love with, attracted to, but that feeling can be replaced in the long run, short run, whatever. I must not get jealous when he gets the person he deserves or wants, even if I was almost that person - if there was no distance, maybe also not the same age gap... then yes, it could have worked. If... in another life... yes...

And that does bring me to a big staple of mine...

That habit of making up what ifs, escaping reality to a different parallel world of opportunities I never took - what if I had followed my dreams to the UK? Or to Ireland? And lived my life there. Meeting new people or hanging out with old friends? But would I want to be the same person, same age, or a different person, different age, different background, altogether? The butterfly effect - as I mentioned in a recent chat with my other Twin and close friend, Steve - is not just about time travel, it affects more facets of what if I could change my life around... what if changing all that would be like choosing between two red buttons: 'you can live where you want after all and build up a stable life' BUT 'you will never meet person x or y' - a life in a country of my choosing but without a person or persons who changed my life in ways I couldn't have imagined and with whom I could have had a lifetime of love and togetherness... Would all roads have led to these inner circle friends and Jamie? What if they did - would I be having that happy ever after with him in his native country, adopt that country and its people in spite of how the political issues evolved... It's a big What If. And... What about the other people who mean so much to me? Would I have had my cake and eaten it?

Because I'm not alone, I'm not entirely lost here.You know who you are. My friends, who have stuck by me ever since we met, all these years ago. 12 years, and more in some cases. We have gone through a lot together. We all moved out and got a place and life of our own but we still are strong and even though I have been absent and preoccupied a lot, I know just how much you guys mean to me. I have a very small inner core of family left and I dread the days they will be gone... I dread the loneliness that will befall me. But I am not lonely if I have friends for life. Both Jamie and me were lonely and scared and in need of a person to love. I still feel that. I still need someone. But do I really need it, will that make me happy or not? Am I perhaps not better off on my own, surrounded by friends, not shackled to a relationship if it is not that kind of life long partnership that you see in the movies or read about in books. No... indeed, a person like Jamie comes along once, mayhaps twice in a lifetime, but if it is too good to be true then maybe you must find peace elsewhere.

I have learned that gaming remains a lifelong passion - and that I found a new way to connect to it, that games like Fallout 76, Red Dead/GTA Online, Minecraft, No Man's Sky, Monster Hunter World... these are games that gave me a purpose, a feeling of fulfillment, growth... they are addictive in a way but if I can find the appropriate time and place to connect and interact with them and the people mentioned above who play them, then this is not a bad thing.

The other games I play, the card games I share with friends, these too have a meaningful place indeed. The books I read, reread, the adult colouring books I've gotten myself into as a creative outlet, and the photography hobby I have ignored for far too long, the urge to travel to see places far and near, meet people and have some healthy escape. I have to find peace in all of this, grow up and do grown up things without dreading them - prepare food, face laundry, cleaning, adult administration (bills etc)... I still depend heavily on the wisdom and support of my parents for all of that, I dream but I don't live. No, there's no happiness and peace there, so that's why I ran away into the world of gaming - that it was and is a way to talk to people all evening, all day - talk talk talk and be preoccupied - oh how curious I am as an introvert who is also harbouring an extrovert inside of her...

So here's my advice to myself and to everyone - live life to the fullest - rather than suffering through it as life in and of itself is already hard enough.

Keep calm. And carry on.