Live, love, laugh

[countessofsnark]

This is and isn't a sequel to my previous post - an introspective rant about life, the meaning of life, loneliness and above all - happiness. What is happiness? How do we define our lives as successful, accomplished, or just about content and doable? How come it feels so much easier to be sad, depressed, anxious, and regretting the past and the decisions we took or did not take? Why not look at the here and now and say 'this is not a bad place, this is not a bad time to be alive, this is not a bad situation we have set up for ourselves.'

But no. Not everyone can make that switch and just crack on. I can't. I should. But I am constantly pulled back by the eternal dreamer, the eternal escapist inside of me.

My imagination and creative drive are both my biggest strength and biggest weakness, my best friend and worst enemy. The yin of yang of my existence, you might say. 

I'm trying to get over not being with Jamie for the rest of my life - letting go of what was a stress filled, longish distance relationship, my first and only true relationship, but shot down before it could be actually in earnest... But I should consider the pros and cons, then. No more worrying myself sick over holiday management to see him, just to be in the same country, room, with him... No more Brexit related stress, as it will hardly affect me now. No more worrying about my age - as that is no longer a thing. And lastly well, we are friends still, but this has a BUT attached to it. As long as we are not in a new relationship, this friendship thing is without awkwardness, of course. Beyond that, it may be fraught with 'but what if your GF is jealous' or 'your BF doesn't want you chatting to other guys' - this is me getting carried away, I know that I would be very distressed if he found someone else because I was his first, I was the one who wanted to pledge her life to him and by god I meant it. Cons - well, no sharing everything. No one to come home to. Simple things. So, letting go of letting go - of moving on, such a horrible phrase indeed - the competition, the comparing - of me having to carry on, of him moving on - and what if he finds someone, and what if he doesn't? What if we both just have to embrace life on our own? That's me talking to myself conjuring up a situation I could live with. Nonsense, I cannot control this narrative - I can only control my own narrative, of course. So here we go...

Do I need a relationship? Do I need that commitment to someone to be complete? Is this really a flaw in my design not to be with someone, not to have someone to share a life with? I have family still, I have friends still, I have a flat and a car and a job and savings and I'm fairly healthy and  my hobbies make me feel accomplished and well... I /should/ be happy. I should be content. I should not be crying every day, feeling like my life is falling apart. 

Would my life have been better had I grown up faster, taken up studies abroad in Ireland or the UK, stuck around, and taken up a secondary citizenship? Away from my family, surrounded by new friends? A hypothetical version of me, an ideal and a dream - like so many fantasies my creative mind loves to breathe life into... well, I cannot tell if that version of me is the one I should have strived for. This is not Matt Haig's beautiful The Midnight Library - but I wish I had a Mrs Elm to guide me. I wish it every day. And it's making me deeply unhappy. Because you cannot reverse things, hit 'undo', start over... you can only move on, change yourself, change your perspective, because time waits for no one. Remember that. Only in our dreams are we free to be who we want to be - but that is not necessarily a happy place, because every dream ends, and reality awaits us when it does.

So no more of that. No more tears. As hard as this is - and trust me, it is bloody difficult - I have to focus on the happy thoughts, the empowering myself through the highs and lows of the road ahead. Living in the here and now, one step at a time. You can never be who you want to be, but you can't ever be anyone if you are gonna stress yourself out over something that hasn't happened yet. It hurts. Life hurts. Love hurts. Feelings hurt. But the one redeeming factor here is that this need not be a constant state of mind. Making that switch for oneself is arguably, the single most challenging accomplishment in life. For me, that is, right now. More than ever.

Be kind to everyone you meet. Because we're all fighting battles inside. This is my battle. And I know which weapons to pick to win this fight but I cannot do it all alone. I have my family and friends by my side. And I thank you for that. If I feel like I'm lost... you will guide me home and make me tap into the power inside of me that lets me face another day, no matter how rough it gets.