countessofsnark

 How many times have I tried to change the past, deny myself a happy here and now, and lie awake pondering over a past that is as immutable as the hardest material known to mankind. I daydream endlessly about scenarios that never were or never could be - just as much as I allow myself to feverishly wish for a future that is not certain, at the cost of dissapointment if that future does not unfold the way it played out in my mind. Time and time again I fall for the same sweet trap inside my mind. I've learned to be content with what I have - way more than my restless self used to be, let me tell you - but that little engine in my head sure knows how to rev itself towards those parallel lives I have never lived and never will live. The what ifs, the why nots, the if onlys. A poison that corrupts the present, clouds the future even more, and causes only bitter feelings to surface.

Self esteem is not a strength of mine. Hanging in there and pushing through difficult times feels like an impossible challenge but so far I made it in one piece. Dealing with defeat and rejection leaves scars that never quite heal. For too long I was on my own, closing my mind and running from reality. Having someone special in my life who is everything my broken soul could have wished for really does make a difference, but the painful thruth about life is that you have to live it yourself - you cannot expect someone to live it for you and help you through everything. Some things you have to handle yourself. Growing up means dealing with adult things like work, like finances, planning and managing your days (food, shopping, laundry, cleaning etc). No amount of schooling can prepare you for the daunting task of Adult Life. Especially a dreamer like me will be stopped in her tracks by this prospect. 

So far, we have one thing to be proud of as an adult: we have a good home to shield us from the world outside, a select group of friends who mean the world to us, and a job we have been doing well for a long time now. But that last bit is starting to itch and not in a good way... it was too easy to get, this one, and ramping up the game did not last long enough for us to get to where we wanted. Now we have to struggle through unknowns - one moment I'm calm personfied and the other I'm close to hyperventilating and panicking and... convinced that I'm no good at the simplest of tasks and tests (I managed to obtain three degrees, one of which a secondary Masters, but given the subject it's really just a case of are you able to write well? Good, that's basically what it proves and nothing more) and thus, unable to get a job other than the one I have. NO. I can do this. But it will take willpower. Loads of it. 

Keep calm. And carry on.

To be continued.

Choices, choices, choices.

Sometimes it's not a matter of what we want, but rather of what needs doing. Living on your own means you don't always get to pick a fun activity. Laundry needs doing, your house or flat requires cleaning, and let us not forget that grocery shopping or meal planning requires prepping. Used to be a time when I could just sit my lazy ass down after dinner and do whatever until bedtime. But did this freedom make me happier? Not necessarily. I've grown up (unfortunately) and grown older, and the triggers for happiness and contentment have changed as well.

Adult colouring books - I discovered the joys of colouring books for adults (think challenging drawnings and gorgeous motifs) during 2020, like so many out there. But for me this was a return to the almost lost art of creative outlets. I was able to use what I had learned in the digital arena on paper, using actual pencils instead of the digital brush. 

Today's always online world means there is little room for boredom, to be honest. Netflix? My list feels like it's never gonna end, with new and old content begging for my attention. And that is but one streaming service. Never mind that I have downloads from other services to check out (hello piracy my old friend, sorry Apple TV, Amazon Prime, and Disney+ but I can't be expected to pay for all of you, not in this economy hahaha). Don't mention my way too humongous DVD collection, there's tons of movies and series I could rewatch but thanks to modern tech moving its priorities for hardware online, I can only use my PS5's disc drive for that. Funny that, my pc does not have a disc drive and I don't think I can ever hook one up except for the external, USB connected kind. Welcome to 2022.

Beyond the scope of TV and movies, there's my precious companions of the literary kind. Books. Good old-fashioned paper books. You can keep your e-books and Kindles. I'm staying true to paper - including the cons of hauling books around, and having to use actual bookmarks. Once a bookworm, always a bookworm. But the urge to read isn't as strong as it used to be. I tend to blame both the previous activity as well as the next one on this list...

Gaming. I still turn to my PS5 for occasional entertainment but my main gaming focus has switched to PC. My Steam library is modest yet it contains titles that I actually want to play and/or that were gifted to me and thus are precious gifts that must be explored and treasured. Gone are the days of buying/downloading a ton of titles I would never fully enjoy or complete. (Thanks for the surplus, Playstation Plus, but most of the stuff you offer every month is kinda meh, let's be fair).
Gaming - it has led to a lot of ups and downs, a lot of connections and friendships, and most importantly, a strong emotional and romantic bond was shaped around the shared love for games (not once but twice, and the second time is what gave me actual peace of mind, stability, and purpose, more than anything before that). I will always defend games for saving me - for keeping me on my feet when the world threatens to throw me off balance. 

No matter the season, I can be content knowing I have an activity I can turn to both indoors and outdoors. Walks, cycling adventures (hello mountain bike), maybe returning to the gym at some point. And chilling out on the couch - that too is a valid activity, your argument is invalid.

Friends, family, loved ones - whether you are far away or nearby, I'm grateful for everyone in my life. Even if the past months have pushed me back into a more secluded lifestyle, I cannot wait to meet up with my friends again. I'm counting down to so many things - little things, as yet undefined holidays, bicycle rides, long walks, and reading a book on my balcony on a warm summer's eve... 

I feel blessed. After all this time, the hurt and loneliness have stopped. My heart has found a new beat, my soul is whole for the very first time. I cannot say that I know the secrets to life and happiness but I do know that I am going to try my darndest to stay this way - to keep this feeling of belonging and of being whole, for the rest of my life. 

I have found love. I have come home, to my soulmate. If only I had met him sooner... but that is a futile if only compared to the yet unwritten future that awaits - his hand in mine, a bond that no one will break except for the relentless passing of time. Words fail to describe the feelings I hold in my heart for him. It is raw and pure and magical. 

And it has finally happened. 

This is and isn't a sequel to my previous post - an introspective rant about life, the meaning of life, loneliness and above all - happiness. What is happiness? How do we define our lives as successful, accomplished, or just about content and doable? How come it feels so much easier to be sad, depressed, anxious, and regretting the past and the decisions we took or did not take? Why not look at the here and now and say 'this is not a bad place, this is not a bad time to be alive, this is not a bad situation we have set up for ourselves.'

But no. Not everyone can make that switch and just crack on. I can't. I should. But I am constantly pulled back by the eternal dreamer, the eternal escapist inside of me.

My imagination and creative drive are both my biggest strength and biggest weakness, my best friend and worst enemy. The yin of yang of my existence, you might say. 

I'm trying to get over not being with Jamie for the rest of my life - letting go of what was a stress filled, longish distance relationship, my first and only true relationship, but shot down before it could be actually in earnest... But I should consider the pros and cons, then. No more worrying myself sick over holiday management to see him, just to be in the same country, room, with him... No more Brexit related stress, as it will hardly affect me now. No more worrying about my age - as that is no longer a thing. And lastly well, we are friends still, but this has a BUT attached to it. As long as we are not in a new relationship, this friendship thing is without awkwardness, of course. Beyond that, it may be fraught with 'but what if your GF is jealous' or 'your BF doesn't want you chatting to other guys' - this is me getting carried away, I know that I would be very distressed if he found someone else because I was his first, I was the one who wanted to pledge her life to him and by god I meant it. Cons - well, no sharing everything. No one to come home to. Simple things. So, letting go of letting go - of moving on, such a horrible phrase indeed - the competition, the comparing - of me having to carry on, of him moving on - and what if he finds someone, and what if he doesn't? What if we both just have to embrace life on our own? That's me talking to myself conjuring up a situation I could live with. Nonsense, I cannot control this narrative - I can only control my own narrative, of course. So here we go...

Do I need a relationship? Do I need that commitment to someone to be complete? Is this really a flaw in my design not to be with someone, not to have someone to share a life with? I have family still, I have friends still, I have a flat and a car and a job and savings and I'm fairly healthy and  my hobbies make me feel accomplished and well... I /should/ be happy. I should be content. I should not be crying every day, feeling like my life is falling apart. 

Would my life have been better had I grown up faster, taken up studies abroad in Ireland or the UK, stuck around, and taken up a secondary citizenship? Away from my family, surrounded by new friends? A hypothetical version of me, an ideal and a dream - like so many fantasies my creative mind loves to breathe life into... well, I cannot tell if that version of me is the one I should have strived for. This is not Matt Haig's beautiful The Midnight Library - but I wish I had a Mrs Elm to guide me. I wish it every day. And it's making me deeply unhappy. Because you cannot reverse things, hit 'undo', start over... you can only move on, change yourself, change your perspective, because time waits for no one. Remember that. Only in our dreams are we free to be who we want to be - but that is not necessarily a happy place, because every dream ends, and reality awaits us when it does.

So no more of that. No more tears. As hard as this is - and trust me, it is bloody difficult - I have to focus on the happy thoughts, the empowering myself through the highs and lows of the road ahead. Living in the here and now, one step at a time. You can never be who you want to be, but you can't ever be anyone if you are gonna stress yourself out over something that hasn't happened yet. It hurts. Life hurts. Love hurts. Feelings hurt. But the one redeeming factor here is that this need not be a constant state of mind. Making that switch for oneself is arguably, the single most challenging accomplishment in life. For me, that is, right now. More than ever.

Be kind to everyone you meet. Because we're all fighting battles inside. This is my battle. And I know which weapons to pick to win this fight but I cannot do it all alone. I have my family and friends by my side. And I thank you for that. If I feel like I'm lost... you will guide me home and make me tap into the power inside of me that lets me face another day, no matter how rough it gets.

https://www.amazon.de/Papeterie-Bleu/dp/194588830X/ref=pd_gwm_ci_mcx_mr_hp_m_1?pf_rd_s=grid-2&pf_rd_t=Gateway&pf_rd_i=mobile&pf_rd_m=A3JWKAKR8XB7XF&pd_rd_wg=FE741&pd_rd_r=PPS4N58S3T28BNX44C64&pd_rd_w=NYdrN&pf_rd_r=PPS4N58S3T28BNX44C64&pf_rd_p=1838c905-d8ea-43c2-93a6-82425d3003dd&pd_rd_i=194588830X


Zero Fucks Given - https://www.amazon.de/-/en/dp/1640011749/coliid=I3DPREGGM3DYKL&colid=30WQSLNYO1V7G&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it

LUSH
- bath bombs or bubble bars (BUBBLES!)

A pencil sharpener with a bit of a reservoir (something you might find at Fkying Tiger and such)

 

The Midnight Library - Matt Haig - https://www.waterstones.com/book/the-midnight-library/matt-haig/9781786892737