Past Continuous

[countessofsnark]

 How many times have I tried to change the past, deny myself a happy here and now, and lie awake pondering over a past that is as immutable as the hardest material known to mankind. I daydream endlessly about scenarios that never were or never could be - just as much as I allow myself to feverishly wish for a future that is not certain, at the cost of dissapointment if that future does not unfold the way it played out in my mind. Time and time again I fall for the same sweet trap inside my mind. I've learned to be content with what I have - way more than my restless self used to be, let me tell you - but that little engine in my head sure knows how to rev itself towards those parallel lives I have never lived and never will live. The what ifs, the why nots, the if onlys. A poison that corrupts the present, clouds the future even more, and causes only bitter feelings to surface.

Self esteem is not a strength of mine. Hanging in there and pushing through difficult times feels like an impossible challenge but so far I made it in one piece. Dealing with defeat and rejection leaves scars that never quite heal. For too long I was on my own, closing my mind and running from reality. Having someone special in my life who is everything my broken soul could have wished for really does make a difference, but the painful thruth about life is that you have to live it yourself - you cannot expect someone to live it for you and help you through everything. Some things you have to handle yourself. Growing up means dealing with adult things like work, like finances, planning and managing your days (food, shopping, laundry, cleaning etc). No amount of schooling can prepare you for the daunting task of Adult Life. Especially a dreamer like me will be stopped in her tracks by this prospect. 

So far, we have one thing to be proud of as an adult: we have a good home to shield us from the world outside, a select group of friends who mean the world to us, and a job we have been doing well for a long time now. But that last bit is starting to itch and not in a good way... it was too easy to get, this one, and ramping up the game did not last long enough for us to get to where we wanted. Now we have to struggle through unknowns - one moment I'm calm personfied and the other I'm close to hyperventilating and panicking and... convinced that I'm no good at the simplest of tasks and tests (I managed to obtain three degrees, one of which a secondary Masters, but given the subject it's really just a case of are you able to write well? Good, that's basically what it proves and nothing more) and thus, unable to get a job other than the one I have. NO. I can do this. But it will take willpower. Loads of it. 

Keep calm. And carry on.

To be continued.